Can Unhappy Parents Raise Happy Children?

Happy parents, happy children

Good parenting is very challenging. That’s a common belief. But I guess you may not fully comprehend all the angles to it until you wear the shoes.

If you are already a parent as I am, then you are in a familiar terrain. But if you are not one yet, I hope it is part of your plan to become one in future. The experience will be wonderful.

I became a dad for the first time in the middle of 2012. From then till now I have two energetic boys that now call me ‘daddy.’ The second one just turned two years while the first one will be four in July.

You know, it is a great privilege to be a dad. But it is also a great responsibility to shoulder. And if you ask me what kind of dad I would want to be, I would not hesitate to tell you that I would want to be a great one – a great dad to my kids, both in words and in deeds.

How do I mean?

I desire to be a perfect example for my children to follow.  I desire to be a shining light that shows them the best ways to live in order to lead a purposeful and meaningful life.

I also want to be their friend, their hero, their confidante, their mentor, their teacher and their ‘everything’ that is possible for me to be under the Earth. But sometimes, I worry that I may not always measure up to these awesome standards as excellently as I would want to.

The reason for that is not far-fetched: I am not perfect – nobody is. Only God is the indisputable perfect Father!

You may think that I shouldn’t worry about it since all humans are not perfect.  I am not unaware of my limitations as a mere human, but that shouldn’t stop me from trying my best.

What gives me a cause for concern is when my imperfections begin to show up in some ways that negatively affect the way I relate with friends, family and others alike. I am sure there are parents who feel that way too.

Understandably, my family – wife and kids – are the closest people to me. Those are the dearest people that look up to me for direction and for inspiration. But sometimes, it seems a daunting task to be all the best I could possibly be to them.

If you ask me what kind of dad I want to be, I would not hesitate to tell you that I would want to be a great one – in words and in deeds.

I want to be a happy father to my children and a happy husband to my wife. After all, a grumpy man would not make a good companion to anyone – family or not family. This is part of the reason I have realised that I should strive to always have my emotions under control.

As you know, someone gets hurt when negative emotions get out of hands. No matter the external pressures I face, I try to hold myself together in such a way that negative emotions such as depression, discouragement, anger, frustration, impatience and the likes do not run wild in me, to the detriment of my family or of any other person for that matter.

It has not always been easy to keep up with the expectation. But, I can always boldly say that the grace of God has been sufficient for me.

Recently I experience some moments of unhappiness over some dissatisfying situations around me. I became moody and it rubbed off on my wife. The result? Both of us became unhappy for a few days, negatively affecting our communication.

The situation might have gotten out of hand if we had not taken necessary steps to address it. Thanks to my wife, we were able to rise above that unhappy, moody feeling.

How did we do it?

We talked to ourselves and we talked to God too.

In talking to ourselves, we bridged the communication gap that was created by my moments of happiness. And in talking to God, we joined hands and prayed in faith over the issues that burdened us. Both actions gave us the needed reliefs.

As we rounded off the prayers, my eyes fell on my kids lying peaceably in their sleep. In a brief moment of reflection following the observation and in the light of my not-so-cheerful countenance in the previous few day, I found myself thinking aloud to the hearing of my wife:

My Love, we cannot afford not to be happy as parents.  We need to be a good example to these boys.

My wife nodded in total agreement.

My desire is that our children will grow up seeing a healthy and happy relationship between my wife and I. I hope that they will see us as a veritable example for them to emulate.

It seems logical to think that unhappy parents may not be able to raise happy children. And I don’t want to be caught in that web. That’s why I wish to ask the question here, Can unhappy parents raise happy children?”

What’s your take please?

©CopyRight | Victor Uyanwanne

Is Your Unhappy Feeling Hurting Your Attractive Spouse?

How your mood affects your spouse

In the last few days, I recognized that I have not been on top of my feelings as I should be. I wouldn’t say I suffered a mild depression – no, not in the real sense of it. But I could say I wasn’t particularly excited about anything.

In other words, my mood was down and I knew it. Unfortunately, when your mood goes south, you are not the only one that suffers. The people around you feel hurt too. They may be hurt in some ways that may or may not be so obvious to you.

That was what happened between my wife and I in the period in focus. Somehow she got infested with the unjoyful feeling I had allowed to fester in my appearance for a few days. This created a temporary communication gap between us.

Better still, I reckoned that our communication was nothing near its usual best. And I take full responsibility for it knowing that I could have handled the situation much better than I did.

Why did I say so?

“My Love, what’s the matter with you?” my wife had asked after she had noticed I was not my usual happy self.

“I will be fine. Don’t worry. I am just tired.” I had replied in three short sentences. I was not prepared to engage in any further question and answer session with her as I was truly physically tired.

The rest of the following day passed by sluggishly without much excitement between us either.

In my mind, I had thought that my moody countenance would disappear over the night but it didn’t. The cause of my apparent unhappy mood was deeper than that: I was focusing too much on some discontenting situations around me than I had been focusing on God.

I had consciously or unconsciously removed my eyes from focusing on God unto focusing on the not-so-perfect situations I was passing through at the time. That caused me the dark feelings of dissatisfaction that was evident in my external appearance, as my wife noticed.

I knew that entertaining any negative feelings for longer than necessary meant that I was heading in the wrong direction. And obviously, I did not want to end up in the wrong destination.

Then came the moment of awakening…

I came home from work the following night only to find my wife feeling a little withdrawn. She had awoken from sleep to answer the door.

Instead of the usual, “You are welcome my Love, how was your day?” all I got was what sounded to me like a forced ‘welcome.’ And I could sense that she struggled to say it before going back to sleep almost immediately.

As far as I could see, all the signs were there that something was not feeling so all right with her. But I observed too that the atmosphere wasn’t suitable for any meaningful discussions between us; I felt that she would rather enjoy the much-needed sleep than sit up that late to talk with me over whatever was on her mind.

The sleepy feeling was mutual, so we both went to bed. Throughout the night, I felt cool and calm, without any turmoil on my inside. I slept very well as usual. But I wish I could say the same thing about her!

when you remove your eyes from God and focus them on things you are going through

The following day being a Saturday meant there was no rushing off to work for me in the early hours of the morning. I needed the time and space offered by the weekend to refocus and reorder my priorities. And I was ready to make the most of it; decluttering my mind was top on the agenda.

I reckoned too that it was time to talk with my wife. Whatever was ‘bothering’ her will have to be urgently resolved. As a loving husband I strive to be, I could never stand seeing her feel unhappy for longer than that morning.

It’s Time to Talk….

“My Love, I noticed that you were not feeling happy last night,” I started a conversation with her. “What’s the problem?”

“Yes, you are right, I have not been happy – till now,” she agreed.

“Is it about our fifth wedding anniversary celebration I rescheduled? I thought we discussed that already and I promised to ……?” I could hardly finish that sentence before she gently interjected.

“No, it is not about our anniversary. It is about you.”

“About me?” I asked, sounding half-surprised.

I wouldn’t claim I didn’t see it coming. After all, I myself have not been in the best of moods in the previous few days.

Worse still, I could perceive that the feeling of discontentment that had gradually crept upon me had begun to spread beyond my nose onto my better half. And that was not cool!

“Okay, let us talk about it,” I said, leaning and spreading out my arms towards her direction in a very generous embrace.

“In the last few days, you have not been smiling much,” She stated. “Our communication has not been flowing very well either. Whatever has been bothering you, you have not cared enough to share it with me.”

I nodded my head in utter agreement. I obviously did not have any valid objection against that.

“When I asked you about it two days ago” she continued, “you said you would tell me after dinner. But as soon as you ate dinner you went to bed without telling me anything. Did I do anything wrong?”

To say that I was touched by her words is an understatement. I was moved with untold compassion towards her. I felt bad that I had unwittingly allowed the negative emotions I was feeling to affect her too. As a result, tendering an apology wasn’t anything difficult for me to do.

“I am so sorry my Love. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you are not the cause of my moodiness” I assured her. “Some things didn’t turn out the way I expected and I was kind of doing some personal evaluations on some of the issues that were making me feel somewhat disheartened.”

I went on to let her in on some of the ‘personal struggles’ I had been having in the last few days. She already knew about some of the issues involved except that she was not aware they were on the front burner then.

“You should have told me you were going through all these stuff at this time….” She said sympathetically.

“Yes, I know. But I didn’t want to add to your stress,” I explained.

“You are not stressing me. It helps to let me be in the know of whatever you are passing through.”

I got the message. And we reflected on the lessons together. We shared another warm embrace in a moment of silence with full assurance that all would be well.

I could see that she felt better after talking with me. The discussion helped us both as I felt some relief too. We held hands and sealed our conversation with a word of prayer, committing our burdens to God.

Have you ever been in a situation where your spouse felt hurt by your moments of unhappiness? There is love in sharing!

 

©CopyRight | Victor Uyanwanne

Who Should You Blame When You Are Unhappy?


YOUR HAPPINESS

 

 

 

 

When you feel unhappy, are you ever tempted to blame someone else for it? Well, it happens…

But it doesn’t make it right.

How would you feel if someone else blamed you for his/her unhappiness? Your happiness is in your hands.

So…..

1.      If you are not happy as an employee, don’t blame it on your employer.

2.      If you are not happy as a citizen of your country, don’t blame it on your Government.

3.      If you are not happy as a teacher, don’t blame it on your students.

4.      If you are not happy as a student, don’t blame it on your teacher.

5.      If you are not happy as a husband/wife, don’t blame it on your spouse.

6.      If you are not happy as a child, don’t blame it on your parents.

7.      If you are not happy as a parent, don’t blame it on your children.

8.      If you are not happy as a player, don’t blame it on your coach.

9.      If you are not happy as a team member, don’t blame it on your other team members.

10.  If you are not happy as a pastor, don’t blame it on your congregation.

11.  If you are not happy as a member of your congregation, don’t blame it on your pastor.

12.  Most importantly if you are not happy with your life, don’t blame it on God.

 

Have you ever been tempted to blame someone else when unhappy? How did you handle it? Please share a word….

 

Excerpt from a previous post  “WHEN YOU ARE NOT HAPPY, BLAME THIS GUY

 

©CopyRight | Victor Uyanwanne