On Premarital Sex And  Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule

As the Covid 19 lockdown continued to last, I found myself watching several short clips from the very popular Steve Harvey Show on Facebook. While I had many moments of inspiration and entertainment watching selected episodes of the show, I also had a few moments that I had to say, “No Steve, I beg to differ.”

Steve Harvey on the set of Steve Harvey Show.
Steve Harvey

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not knocking Steve Harvey here; he is a well-loved celebrity comedian with huge fans across the globe.

I’m just saying that in as much as I like him and his inspiring show, there are areas where our individual beliefs do not align. Hang on, I will explain what I mean in a moment.

Steve Harvey is a funny man, everybody knows that. You could not watch him in his elements without being enthralled by his witty sense of humour. But let’s save that gist for another day and focus on the issue at hand.

During his TV shows, Steve gives out relationship advice to his teeming studio audience (and by extension to viewers at home), especially during the “Hey Steve” segment of the show.

That’s the segment where Steve entertains some questions from some members of the audience. He then provides answers in terms of a personal advice on how to deal with the issues being asked about.

A member of the audience on Steve Harvey Show asking a question

While, I would agree with many of his perspectives, there are clearly instances were I would disagree with him. For instance on the issue of sex while dating, I feel differently from how Mr. Harvey would advise his audience.

To the best of my knowledge, I believe that sex while dating, (premarital sex) is illicit sex. And such should not be encouraged, especially amongst Christians.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I stand with the Biblical position that encourages young people to wait till they are married before engaging in sexual activities.

However, going by what I heard on several episodes of the Steve Harvey Show that I watched, it would appear to me (correct me if I’m wrong) that Steve Harvey does not have any qualms with people having sex while dating (before they get married, whether or not marriage is in the picture).

Another reason I’m convinced that uncle Steve, as his teeming fans prefer to call him, supports premarital sex is the principle behind his 90-day rule of sex. Let’s talk about it here.

Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule

While Harvey is okay with you having sex with someone you are dating, what he seemed to advise (as a lady) is that you should not make it happen so early in the dating relationship. And that’s where the question of his so-called 90-day rule comes in.

Most often than not, many of the people who ask him questions about dating relationships would usually make reference to the “90-day rule,” which I learnt Harvey strongly espoused in his book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Let me state upfront that I haven’t read the book (yet). However, one source claims that through that book, “Steve Harvey… has inspired women around the world to hold off on sex for 90 days upon entering a new relationship, in order to get the respect they deserve, and land a man who is truly all in.”

Sex while dating = Steve Harvey's 90-day rule.

“Often referring to sex as the “cookie”, Steve Harvey suggests that women keep the cookie in the cookie jar for a probationary period of 90 days, causing men to have to prove themselves, work for and earn the benefits.”

That sounds great or not? Your answer will depend on what you believe and where you are in your relationship with God. As for me, you must already know where I belong – if you have been reading along with me.

Before we proceed further, let’s go over the import of the 90 day rule again:

  • A girl in a dating relationship with a guy should not have sex with the guy for at least the first 90 days of their being together.
  • The reason for this is so that the guy will prove his commitment to the lady and earn sex as a reward.
  • The girl is thereafter free to offer sex to the guy once he has proven his commitment to the girl by waiting for the 90 days.

Some ladies around the world might have been applying this rule, but that does not mean it is one hundred percent right. Again, your sense of right or wrong is a function of your beliefs and relationship with God.

In my own opinion, this rule puts the burden of holding off sex for 90 days on women. But I think it is supposed to be a joint responsibility of the man and woman involved.

Secondly, the rule doesn’t prohibit premarital sex; it only says to delay it for the first 90 days of meeting a guy. After that, the lady is free to engage in sex with the guy, if he passes the waiting test.

But are believers in Christ supposed to follow this rule too? Frankly speaking, I do not think so. The simple reason is that God has called believers to a higher standard of sexual purity.

What the word of God teaches

1 Corinthians 6:18

Anyone who doesn’t have any qualms with sex before marriage may be okay with the Harvey’s 90-day rule. But anyone who believes that sex should wait till marriage will think differently. The latter will know that the issue at hand is not a question of how long or short you have to hold off sex while dating but a question of an event (marriage) having taken place before doing the do.

Anyone who sees himself or herself as a true follower of Jesus Christ should belong to the latter category. A true believer in Christ should not support or practice sex before marriage or sex outside marriage.

In his letter to the Corrinthians, Apostle Paul gives the following advice:

Run away from sexual immorality [in any form, whether thought or behavior, whether visual or written]. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the one who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 AMP

Bible scholars tell us that “the word translated as “sexual immorality” or “fornication,” is the Greek word porneia, which means “illicit sexual intercourse.”

It is clear from the above that God doesn’t want us to court sexual immorality. And premarital sex is sexual immorality, which is an illicit sexual intercourse. And in the context of this discourse, “run away from sexual immorality” could be read as, “run away from premarital sex.”

Unfortunately, many people today who frown against adultery (sex with someone other than your spouse) do not give a hoot about premarital sex (fornication) which is sex before or without marriage.

Steve Harvey

This same issue recently came up in one online forum that I contributed to. A bewildered participant had asked, “Why has premarital sex become a norm in our society today?”

Here was my contribution in the discussion that ensued:

…Our sense of morality has been decaying over the years. But anyone who is born again knows that premarital sex is not normal; it is a sin against God.

For those who say that premarital sex is okay because of civilisation, my answer to them is that civilisation is not the same thing as promiscuity.

As I would often say, both premarital sex and extramarital sex are the devil’s ideas. Those who love God should desist from such.

Does that mean God doesn’t want His children to have sex? No, of course God wants it, because He created it. But He approves of sex only within the confines of marriage.

So take it or leave it, anyone who has sex with someone he or she is not married to is having an illicit sex. And illicit sex is a sin against God.

In a way, this should bother you, except of course if you have no iota of the fear of God in you.

Conclusions

God doesn’t hate sex, but He wants you to be married before engaging in it. So if you are a child of God and you want to live as one, you should know that despite the popularity of Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule, marriage is the only God-approved license for sex.

Until someone marries you, he or she has not acquired the right to be intimate with you. So the correct rule to follow while dating is really not about holding off sex for only 90 days, but about holding off completely until you are married.

Whether the time from when you meet your dating partner to the time you get married is exactly 90 days, less than 90 days or more than 90 days, the right thing for you to do is to wait until you are married before engaging in any sexual activity. Anything short of that is living below the good standard God has set for you.


What’s your take on the 90-day rule in a dating ?

“How Do I Keep My New Year Resolution Of No More Premarital Sex?”

That was the question someone asked on an open online social network forum I belong to. The question was asked about four years ago, but it still feels so fresh like today’s stuff. That’s why I’m revisiting it here.

Premarital sex has to do with people engaging in sexual activities before they are legally married. In other words, sex before marriage!

“What’s wrong with sex before marriage?” you may ask.

Well, let me ask you back, “What’s wrong with opening a clinic and performing complicated surgeries before obtaining the medical licence to do so?”

You may say the analogies are not the same. But that’s your perspective.

My perspective (which is Biblical too) is that sex is to be practised within the holy confines of marriage. Anything outside of that is devil’s idea.

You may disagree with me over that but it will show two things: you don’t know God and you are not accountable to Him.

If you truly know God and you see yourself as accountable to Him, you will know of a fact that there is everything wrong with premarital sex.

Forget about the unwanted pregnancies or abortions that may result from it, the diseases one may contract through it, the broken trust and disappointments that may result from it, the guilt and the shame….Think of it as disobedience to God or as Joseph put it, a “great wickedness and sin against God” (See Genesis 39:9).

Did you see that? Premarital sex is sin against God. Nothing short of that.

“Everyone is doing it.” But that doesn’t make it right!

Perhaps the person that asked the question that formed the title of this post had come to that realisation that sex before marriage is not good; or may be she has not, I can’t tell for sure.

But one thing was sure: the person was looking for answers. And I felt compelled to put out my suggestions on that online forum.

Those contributions of mine form the bulk of the text that I’m sharing below.

First and foremost, we would agree that it is good to make new year resolutions on matters that are of interest to us – like that lady tried to do with stopping sexual activities before marriage.

Whether the resolutions are kept or not is another kettle of fish all together.

But what that poor lady failed to realise was that to be able to stop engaging in premarital coitus, it will take more than a simple resolution at the beginning of the year; it would require a more compelling reason.

Like I said to her, “Ordinary resolution is not enough. If the reason is not strong enough, you can’t keep the promise.”

I don’t know about you, but what reason(s) would I consider strong enough for the lady to stop all sexual activities before marriage?

1. That she is now born again, so old things have passed away, including engaging in premarital sex;

2. She is now convinced that premarital sex is a sin against God, so she is stopping the practice because she doesn’t want to continue in sin and continue to displease God;

3. That she is now trusting in God to help her keep the promise of abstinence till she gets married, not relying on her strength or willpower alone;

4. That she is now ready to obey God by staying away from sex until she is married, even at the risk of loosing her current man if he refuses to respect her decision to abstain.

If she is not sure of any of the above, I doubt if she can keep the promise of her new year resolution of discontinuing that practice of engaging in sex before marriage.

What do you think?


Why Christians Should Be Wary Of Secular Materials On Sex

Why Christians should be wary of secular materials on sex.

You are a committed Christian, a good disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. You love the Lord with all your heart. To the best of your abilities, you want to please Him in everything and in anything you do.

You are married to a spouse who is equally commited to the Lord as you are. You both trust God for the best in all areas of your marital union.

Most things have been working out pretty fine for both of you. But there is an aspect of your marriage you have not enjoyed maximum fulfilment: the bedroom department; you are convinced there is more pleasure available than you do presently enjoy.

I mean you have had moments of mutual ecstacy during lovemaking with your married partner. But they are too far in between to be completely satisfied with. Your heart aches for more…

You fear God, so you don’t want to cheat on your spouse by exploring other avenues for sexual satisfaction outside your marital union. Hence you are committed to finding workable solutions to the conjugal discontentment you have been having with your spouse.

You have been praying about it. “There is nothing prayer cannot do,” you assure yourself. Thankfully you have some evidence that it is working…

In addition to prayers, you have been exercising your faith too. You are well aquainted with Hebrews 11:6 which tells us that “without faith it is impossible to please God…” So in that essential area of your life you have not ceased trusting in God, expecting things to turn out for the better between you and your spouse.

You are also a practical person who knows that every thing does not depend on prayer and faith alone. You have to do some work too – after all, “faith without work is dead,” says the Bible.

You suspect that if you are armed with the right kind of knowledge and the wisdom to apply it, your fortune in marital bedroom affairs could improve tremendously. Off you go looking for possible solutions from whatever sources you can find.

You have in the past attempted to have frank discussions with your spouse on these matters, which yielded some good results and some negative feedbacks too. Over all, you are making some progress, but you are not ‘there’ yet…

You are hesitant in asking a few of your friends for guidance because you do not want to bring the private events in your bedroom to the public square. Besides, some pieces of  advice from some of your friends in the past have not been so helpful.

Some even had the audacity to tell you to “look outside” your marriage for sexual satisfaction, just like they have done. But as a good follower of Christ you are, you refused such an advice and decided to stay faithful to your marital vows. Your sexual satisfaction would be from your spouse and no other, you maintained.

Unwholesome sexual behaviours
Source: Dennis Prager, PragerU YouTube Channel

To a large extent, you understand the place of sex in marriage and you are convinced about its significance in all ramifications.

You have read as many Christian literatures on sex in marriage as you could find. But you still have some areas of concern that have been left unaddressed: a detailed practical act of lovemaking in a Christian home, satisfying to both parties.

Seeking For More Help

You are welcome to search for whatever help you can get but be reminded that not all available helps out there are in your overall best interest.

Why did I say so?

Apart from the fact that the sexual act in most secular media is presented in a way you may not find very comfortable with, the context of the practice of it also falls below Biblical standards.

As you already know, most secular materials you will find do not approach sex from the perspective of a committed holy matrimony. The sex practice is presented from the angle of other relationship frameworks – mostly between unmarried partners.

Simply put, not many people will disagree with the observation that secular media seem to portray more of premarital sex, homosexuality and adultery than they do of marital sex. But as a Christian you know better and you deserve better…

You must know that any form of sexual activity promoted outside the context of a marital union should not constitute a good example for you to learn from. Therefore you should be wary.

God created sex to be experienced and enjoyed only within the confines of marriage. Any thing outside that is an aberration. Therefore all forms of pre-marital sex, extramarital sex and all other forms of sexual behaviour outside marriage are not God’s perfect plan for you and His other children.

The people of the word may think otherwise but you have chosen to stand with God and His word.

Your comments are welcome.

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