In 2013, a Nigerian Christian lady published an online post on the frustrations she was facing waiting for the right man to get married to. According to her, she was under immense pressure from her family to get married.
The good part was that she was ready to get married and two she knew the kind of husband she wanted: a godly man who is filled with the word of God, a lover of God and a man fit to be a minister of the gospel.
But the bad part was that such a man was not forth coming her way (yet). And she was getting tired waiting…
“Where on earth is this man?” she had asked in utter frustration. “And does it mean all the good men are already taken?”
Let’s take a deeper peep into her situation as she narrated in her own words:
… I never thought I’d be the lady staying calm and waiting almost endlessly for the one I would spend the rest of my life with; the one who would one day become my husband and the father of my children, my best friend and love.
I am a christian and have noticed that I have a thing for Christian men who are filled with the word of God. Needless to say that I would eventually be getting into ministry in my older years, and every prophetic word I have heard about my marriage has pointed to the fact that the man God has prepared for me would also most likely be in ministry and a huge God lover.
Now the thing is where on earth is this man? I am tired of waiting and I don’t want to make a mistake.
I am in my late 20’s slowly approaching 30 soon and would like to settle [down in marriage] within the next one year.
My family is putting a lot of pressure on me and I am starting to crumble under the pressure of having to remain sane while waiting for my own [man].
I have indeed met a lot of other men who I dare not settle with. eg party rockers, drinkers, womanizers and the rest. Does it mean that all the good men are taken?
Aside waiting, I also want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I want him so much already.
I am a professional lady, I am yoruba, I am gentle, kind hearted and want to continue serving God. What can I do to remain calm? (Source: Nairaland )
I felt touched by the sister’s post, hence I decided to offer my two cents in response. (Bear in mind this was way back in 2013).
You sound like a decent girl, so I would say there is no need to become desperate…. And don’t let anyone, family members inclusive, unduly pressure you into Marriage. The danger in that is that you might end up with the wrong guy.
Bear in mind that 28 is not too old [to get married]. I understand your anxiety but be careful not to descend into desperation….
Right now, instead of worrying about hooking up with the right man, you concentrate on being the right lady and the right man will find you at the right time.
Trust in God to give you the right man. In the midst of wolves parading as men, God knows the right man for the right woman.
Be convinced that God loves you enough to give you the best husband. There are still some good men, husband material, out there, looking for someone like you.
But like they say, if you don’t define, you won’t find. So Please take time to list out the things you want in your husband. Everyday, look at the list, be positive about it; envision him come to you. It may sound funny but it works.
With that frame of mind, you can now pray: Oh Lord, wherever my husband is, let him locate me. Bring him to me or take me to where he is so we can meet each other.
It worked for me that way. And today, my wife and I are happily married. You will soon testify too.
As you would rightly expect, there was a barrage of other advice or suggestions in response to that post. Some of them are not worth your time, so I won’t bother to share them here.
However, there were some I considered very useful, and I will share a few of them here with the hope that someone in similar situation may learn from it.
Check out this one first:
I understand your frustration and exhaustive patience. However, He makes all things beautiful in His time and not our time. A lot of single ladies have made terrible and life threatening mistakes because of impatience.
While waiting for the right man, keep adding values to yourself, study good and bad marriages to learn how a home should be, read books and enjoy your singlehood to the maximum in a godly way.
“The vision may tarry, wait for it, it shall speak…” You need to exercise patience and trust God with all your heart. Need I add that this is the time you should draw closer to God – not for what He can give but pleasing and doing His will.
So my sister, do not let your age or pressure from any source push you to do what is not right. Do not mind people talking about you closing in to 30. I wonder the importance of the age if one lives a useless life.
And this one:
…All I can say is that He is preparing you for the task ahead in your ministry and in your home. See this waiting period as an opportunity for you to develop yourself spiritually as it would come in handy when you get married. You will agree with me that staying married is more important than getting married.
And then this:
You are just 28 so its not yet time to press the panic button and please do not let anyone pressure you yet. You say you love Christian men so at least you know what you want. So the question is where are you likely to get Christian men?
Church is the simple answer! Again not all men in Church are Christians but I believe you have the Spirit of God and you will be able to tell the difference.
I also encourage you to get more involved in Church activities, Bible study, mid-week service, become a worker and put yourself in a position where you will meet Christian men. Again be careful because lots of bad boys are in church these days; but you have the Spirit of God in you and you will know the difference.
I can even suggest you try to get close to your Pastor or his wife. Lots of Pastors actually do hook-ups with Church members these days and if your pastor is nice, he could hook you up with a nice gentleman in church.
Again, tell your friends and their husbands too that they could hook you up with their friends or cousins etc. You just can’t stay at home and expect Mr. Right to come around. Some people don’t like hook-ups but I see nothing wrong in it.
Lastly you say you are a professional, do you have friends where you work? Try to be accommodating more and go for Christmas parties and office parties, you could meet someone there as well.
But please make sure you know what you want in a man because there are devils out there who are just waiting to prey on young innocent girls like you so be careful. You are a Christian and remember the virtues of Christianity. God help you.
What would be your own advice to the lady in question?
“No body is perfect,” goes the popular saying. The truth of that statement is particularly obvious in a committed marital union between a man and woman.
Except you want to deceive yourself, you will gladly own up to the fact that the person you married is not a spotless angel. But this is no time to begin pointing accusing fingers at your spouse as the one with the most imperfections, because as you know, you yourself are not without some blemishes.
In other words, you often fall below each other’s expectations. Despite these imperfections, both of you can still be at peace with each other and hopefully be happier too.
If that is part of your marital goal, then you will allow me to proffer a few suggestions that will be helpful to you in that respect:
Your spouse is not an angel, so don’t expect that he or she will not make mistakes sometimes. And when that happens, please do show some understanding.
Truth be told, neither you nor your spouse is perfect. Perhaps you should let this guide your expectations so that you suffer less frustrations when your spouse’s behaviour falls below your esteemed expectations.
If you have come to terms with the fact that your spouse is not perfect and you are committed to loving him or her despite that, I am going to add that you should be patient with him or her.
I will not promise you that your spouse will grow into a faultless angel someday. But I can at least opine that if he or she is committed to your marriage as you are, there will be remarkable positive change of behaviour over time when you exercise the due patience with.
Your spouse will ‘lose it’ sometimes and when that happens be sure to keep your own sanity and be at your best behaviours. Things will go downhill in your marriage if both of you decide to vent and and get mad at each other at the same time.
A wise spouse once told the better-half, “If you spit fire, I will vomit water.” The point here is, you and your spouse should not be spitting fire at the same time.
In as much as I want you to cut some slack for your spouse, there will be times when it is important you talk things over with him or her. But you have to be gentle and nice over it, else you might trigger a volcanic eruption in the process.
In talking things over with your spouse, be humble, loving and considerate. Resist the temptation of pointing accusing fingers at each other. Instead of looking for who is wrong, focus on what is wrong and deal with it.
If your spouse raises his or voice in the process, keep yours low. Apologise where necessary and accept responsibility as appropriate.
Engage in the conversation in such a away that it strengthens your marriage and not in a way that tears it apart.
There are times silence may be golden, but at times too, it can be a time-bomb waiting to explode. I trust that you know the difference. While it is not okay to shout at your spouse, on the other hand, don’t use the silent treatment as a tool for affliction in marriage.
It is good to keep silent sometimes in order not to offend in words or as part of your anger management strategy. But if your spouse desires commmunication with you, do not give him or her the silent treatment to punish him or her for what they did to you.
Despite your spouse’s so-called imperfections, he or she must have some strengths as well. Identify those strengths and celebrate them.
I am totally convinced that your spouse is not a good-for-nothing fellow, otherwise you would not have married him or her. So I am telling you for free that you can manage your spouse’s imperfections better by focusing on his or her strengths and celebrating them.
Compliment your spouse’s good behaviours and be less critical of the bad ones. It is not easy to do, but it is worth the try.
It is not enough for you to talk to your spouse. You should also talk to God about spouse – not in form of endless bitter complaints but in form of regular loving prayers.
Trying to force a change in behaviour on your spouse may be counter-productive. But when you pray, you invite God to handle the situation in the best possible way.
Don’t say you don’t know what to pray about concerning your spouse. Are there things you like about your spouse? I believe the answer is yes. Begin your prayers by thanking God for those things.
Also, the things that annoy you about him or her should be part of the things you should pray about. Your dreams for her, the things she cares about, her personal goals are some of the things you can pray for your wife about.
You have read my views. Let’s hear yours in the comment section.
©Copyright 2019 | Victor Uyanwanne
That was the question someone asked on an open online social network forum I belong to. The question was asked about four years ago, but it still feels so fresh like today’s stuff. That’s why I’m revisiting it here.
Premarital sex has to do with people engaging in sexual activities before they are legally married. In other words, sex before marriage!
“What’s wrong with sex before marriage?” you may ask.
Well, let me ask you back, “What’s wrong with opening a clinic and performing complicated surgeries before obtaining the medical licence to do so?”
You may say the analogies are not the same. But that’s your perspective.
My perspective (which is Biblical too) is that sex is to be practised within the holy confines of marriage. Anything outside of that is devil’s idea.
You may disagree with me over that but it will show two things: you don’t know God and you are not accountable to Him.
If you truly know God and you see yourself as accountable to Him, you will know of a fact that there is everything wrong with premarital sex.
Forget about the unwanted pregnancies or abortions that may result from it, the diseases one may contract through it, the broken trust and disappointments that may result from it, the guilt and the shame….Think of it as disobedience to God or as Joseph put it, a “great wickedness and sin against God” (See Genesis 39:9).
Did you see that? Premarital sex is sin against God. Nothing short of that.
“Everyone is doing it.” But that doesn’t make it right!
Perhaps the person that asked the question that formed the title of this post had come to that realisation that sex before marriage is not good; or may be she has not, I can’t tell for sure.
But one thing was sure: the person was looking for answers. And I felt compelled to put out my suggestions on that online forum.
Those contributions of mine form the bulk of the text that I’m sharing below.
First and foremost, we would agree that it is good to make new year resolutions on matters that are of interest to us – like that lady tried to do with stopping sexual activities before marriage.
Whether the resolutions are kept or not is another kettle of fish all together.
But what that poor lady failed to realise was that to be able to stop engaging in premarital coitus, it will take more than a simple resolution at the beginning of the year; it would require a more compelling reason.
Like I said to her, “Ordinary resolution is not enough. If the reason is not strong enough, you can’t keep the promise.”
I don’t know about you, but what reason(s) would I consider strong enough for the lady to stop all sexual activities before marriage?
1. That she is now born again, so old things have passed away, including engaging in premarital sex;
2. She is now convinced that premarital sex is a sin against God, so she is stopping the practice because she doesn’t want to continue in sin and continue to displease God;
3. That she is now trusting in God to help her keep the promise of abstinence till she gets married, not relying on her strength or willpower alone;
4. That she is now ready to obey God by staying away from sex until she is married, even at the risk of loosing her current man if he refuses to respect her decision to abstain.
If she is not sure of any of the above, I doubt if she can keep the promise of her new year resolution of discontinuing that practice of engaging in sex before marriage.
What do you think?
God instituted marriage for our enjoyment and His will for us is to have it as a life-long union. That’s why we say, “till death do us part” at the point of entering the marriage contract.Continue reading
… Without a doubt, divorce was the worst season of my life. Nothing I’ve suffered since that time even comes close… absolutely nothing compares to the horrific pain of having a spouse decide, “I Don’t” after saying “I Do” – Laura Petherbridge.
In a previous post, we talked about the fact that God hates divorce. The natural question that would be precipitated by that statement will be:
First and foremost, we all know that hate is a strong language, meaning “an intense dislike for.”
On the other hand, Divorce connotes “the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.”
God says He hates divorce, meaning He has an intense dislike for it.
There must be some good reasons God does not like divorce. And those reasons are what this post seeks to explore.
If you ask me, I would say God hates divorce chiefly because He loves us and wants the best for us. He doesn’t want us to go through the pains, regrets and difficulties divorce action might occasion.
God loves us enough to inform us that He hates for us to subject our spouses to divorce. We all know that if you truly love someone, you wouldn’t want something bad to happen to him or her. Don’t you think God feels that much sympathetic towards us?
I guess you too have your reasons you think God says He hates divorce. (And I would like it if you would drop your views in the comment section of this post). For now let’s focus on what we can glean from the foundation scripture for this post and the previous one.
Malachi 2:15-16 – Let’s read it together:
15 Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.[b] And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!”[c] says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,[d]” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife” (NLT).
Based on this passage, let’s now explore further reasons God hates divorce:
“Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife?” asked Prophet Malachi.
God has made you one with the person you are married to. So why do you seek to be separated from him or her forever?
God instituted marriage for our enjoyment and His will for us is to have it as a life-long union. That’s why we say, “till death do us part” at the point of entering the marriage contract.
It is safe to say that divorce undermines the sanctity of this holy institution of marriage established by God. Therefore God hates divorce.
God did not only institute marriage, He had a purpose for doing so. The prophet here tells us that God seeks godly children (one translation uses the word “offsprings”) from our marriages.
“… And what does he want? Godly children from your union… Remain loyal to the wife of your youth.”
In order words, God expects our marital unions to bear godly seeds, godly fruits or godly results. You will agree with me that divorce will not qualify as a godly fruit.
Secondly, God also wants married couples to demonstrate loyalty to each other through thick and thin. And divorce flatly defeats that purpose.
“To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,[d]” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Wow, did you see that point in that verse you just read? Divorce is cruelty to your spouse. Another translation describes it as treachery.
Many people may disagree with that, but I know God’s word cannot be wrong. God would rather not have you go through the pains associated with divorce.
He hates it for you to bring divorce upon yourself or upon your spouse. He would rather have you shut the door on divorce…
Whatever you think, divorce will cost you – be it emotionally, financially or otherwise. Apart from the couple involved, other associated parties (including your children and other loved ones) also suffer when marriage fails and results in divorce. Divorce will cause you pains, anguish, depression and the like.
As Laura Petherbridge observed from her own experience, “…divorce was the worst season of my life. Nothing I’ve suffered since that time even comes close… absolutely nothing compares to the horrific pain of having a spouse decide, “I Don’t” after saying “I Do.””
What’s your own view about why God hates divorce?
©Copyright 2019 | Victor Uyanwanne
The Sun was already going down for the day. And there I was seated by the window side on our staff bus being driven home after work.
The vehicle was filled with other staffers who like me had equally earned a living for the day. We were all eager to get back home to our families and to have a well-deserved night rest.
But the ever busy Lagos traffic was hampering our speed; we were moving at snail’s speed. We are used to that kind of experience!
At the moment, I was gazing blankly at the evening sky through the window screen of the vehicle. And suddenly, I perceived in my spirit something I now consider a personal revelation from Above: Your is your reward.
Really? I should have known that a long time ago!
“Your wife is your reward,” I reechoed under my breath.
But how come those words have never formed part of my regular vocabulary? After all, I have always called my wife a “Gift From Above.” And I believe that with all my heart.
Something was happening here: the eyes of my understanding were further being enlightened, with a clear message out from the blues or better put, from the Spirit of God.
Your wife is your reward! It struck me so much that I knew there must be more to those words than I had previously known. So immediately, the researcher in me was called to work; I pulled my smart phone and did a quick Google search of “Your wife is your reward.”
Instead of a preponderance of web articles being thrown up, a Bible reference was atop the search result. And I wasted no moment in opening it to examine.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that these same words, “Your wife is your reward,” are in the Bible (Ecclesiastes 9:9). I took that as a confirmation that it was God that spoke those words directly to my heart moments earlier.
Since then I have read the verse over again from different versions of the Bible. The translation in the New Living Bible helped me understand it better:
Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly. Ecclesiastes 9:9, NLT.
By ordinary meaning, we know that a reward is “a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement.”
And there in the Bible verse we just read, we have it that your wife is your reward for your earthly toil.
I wouldn’t know what you think of that. But As God is the One who said “Your wife is your reward,” we can be sure that He cannot be mistaken about it.
What do you think?
©Copyright 2018|Victor Uyanwanne
Many of us bloggers sometimes make the mistake of thinking that we are writing only to people other than ourselves; that our posts help our readers more than they help us the writers.
But that may not always be the case. The posts we publish can be a blessing to us as much as it is to our readers. They can address our needs as much as they address the needs of other people.
Your blog posts should interest you. They should minister to you if you want them to minister to other people too.
That’s why I’m asking you: have you ever had your blog speaking to you personally?
In other words, have you ever learnt any lesson reading your own blog post?
That seems a fair question to ask, because if you are not learning anything from your own blog post, how are your readers supposed to learn from it?
I know from my own experience that most of the things I write on this blog often speak to me directly before they speak to my readers.
Apart from what I learn from other people’s posts, I learn from my own posts too!
The interesting part is that even months down the line, I could still find some of those posts addressing a particular need in my own life.
That was the experience I had recently. I am ashamed to say it now but I had a heated conversation with my wife.
“Over what” you may ask? Finances, aka money!
So that was it? Yea, yea…
Is money ever enough? Well, may be when we become billionaires. Smiles 😀
But seriously, we had some issues at hand: Our combined income for the month would barely be enough to accommodate ‘everything’ we wanted. No extras…
Futhermore, we couldn’t quite agree with the direction of our expenses for the following month. Our budget has to be a bit tightened due to some midyear obligations that needed to be settled.
But in a bid to have them resolved, our individual tempers flared up… Between each of us, we knew we raised our voices louder than normal.
You can hold me responsible for that. But I’m grateful to God we are both calmer now.
Just like many new couples would have experienced, this was not the first time finance and budgeting issues have come between us. And even though we always navigated our ways out of it, how come this kind of reality sometimes heat us hard in the face?
I mean, I love my wife and she loves me too. We both know it… We are eternally committed to each other. But how come we still disagree?
We are humans, imperfect humans. We are different in many ways.
We are still learning…Don’t you know that already?
Okay. That’s right!
Married couples do face challenges. Is there anyone here who doesn’t know that by now?
Well, there are bound to be issues in any relationship – be it marriage or not. But it is how we handle those issues that matters.
This was where echoes from a previous post of mine – Towards a better marriage: your spouse is not the problem – reverberated loudly in my ears:
A problem is a problem and your spouse is your spouse. Please don’t mistake one for another.
I had advised my readers in that post:
“Next time you have any marital issue, be sure to remind yourself that your spouse is not the problem. Identify what the issue is and focus on tackling it. That way you will achieve a healthier method of resolution than blaming your spouse.”
In this case, I knew exactly what the problem was. And it was not my wife!
During marital problems, identify what the issue is and focus on tackling it. Don’t trade blames [with your spouse. It will backfire].
It finally felt like I was talking to my point of need as well. And I was…
As I said before, ministry to self before ministry to others! I get it: my blog post has spoken to me personally once again!
Here is an excerpt from the post that came back hunting me:
Just like every married couple might have come to realise, I am sure you already know that marriage is not a bed full of roses only. It is full of plenty challenges as well.
Isn’t that pretty obvious?
More often than not, it is how you handle these challenges that will go to a large extent to determine the success and happiness or otherwise of your marital experience.
The common saying that as you make your bed, so you will lie on it holds true in marriage relationships too.
Except you are married to the devil personified, I am free to say that your spouse is not the problem. So resist the temptation to see him or her as one.
Put in proper perspective, you will realise that the challenges you have in marriage are things or issues, not a person – and definitely not your spouse!
For instance, the problem could be the manner your spouse is handling an issue at hand, or it may also be the manner you are reacting to it. Either way, you must [realise] that the problem is not a person.
A vital key to amicably resolving the challenges is to learn to focus on tackling the issue at hand rather than putting the blame on a person – your partner. You may have been hurt by what your spouse said or did at some point, but the problem is still not your spouse.
“I love you but I hate how you treat me sometimes,” a thoughtful wife once said to her husband.
You’ve got the point? Identify what the issue is and deal with it [accordingly].
A problem is a problem and your spouse is your spouse. Please don’t mistake one for another.
Which of your blog post has ever spoken to you personally? You can paste the link in the comment section. I promise to check it out and leave you a feedback.
©Copyright 2018 | Victor Uyanwanne
In an epoch-making ceremony, Prince Harry took his beautiful bride, Meghan Markle, to the altar to be his lawfully wedded wife.
The whole world stood at attention as the graceful royal event took place at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle in London.
In many ways, the marriage between the two lovebirds has been described as a break from the norm; a royal wedding with a difference.
In this post I will talk about 4 interesting things about the couple.
The union between Price Harry and Meghan Markle is not a loveless union in any way as some royal marriages in the past might have been.
This one is a special marriage between two special people that specially love each other against all odds.
The love of the couple shone through every inch of the wedding ceremony. Meghan was particularly full of smiles as she pledged her marriage love and commitment to Prince Harry.
The sparks of love in her eyes were indescribable. And Prince Harry was like, “You look amazing. And I am so lucky to have you.”
I am sure the elegant Megan felt the same way too; they were visibly happy throughout the ceremony.
This couple followed their hearts, without minding what the world around them would think. They fell in love and stayed in love, standing before the Lord to be joined man and wife in holy matrimony.
From the year of our Lord 2016 when they reportedly first met each other, to this year 2018 when they walked down the isle, their love for each other stood strong, overcame many negative criticisms that arose against the royal union along the line.
It was reported in the media that Prince Harry met Megan Markle through a blind date orchestrated by a mutual friend of theirs.
Yes! Their first time meeting with each other was through a blind date.
Meghan confirmed it when she confessed in a BBC interview that the blind date… (Wait for it)… “was a set-up.”
Now we can all see the result; that “set-up’ was definitely a blind date with a difference; It worked out gradually but surely, leading to a grand royal union.
Before now, one would have thought that this kind of blind date only happens in movies. But here we are celebrating the strong love that developed from a blind date to friendship and then to marriage into royalty.
With this development, it looks like the next (even the present) generation of young people now have a veritable example of a blind date that worked for them to imitate.
But they should remember that they are not Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
As far as I know, never in the history of the British monarchy has there been a biracial bride amongst the wives of the men of their royalties. But with Meghan Markle coming into the fold, as wife of Prince Harry, a great history has been made.
In the words of Katie O’Malley, “…a mixed race woman has married into one of the whitest institutions in the UK…”
This is reality my friend!
It means that Prince Harry and Meghan have chatted a new course for mankind in matters of race relations on earth – in an unprecedented way.
As one media analyst pointed out, “Ten years ago, this would have been impossible.”
Yes, a decade ago, a marriage between a British royalty and a biracial woman wouldn’t have been possible. But it is now… And that’s progress for us humans!
When the first man landed on the Moon, it was dubbed, “one small step for a man but one giant leap for mankind.”
In the same vein, Prince Harry’s marriage to a biracial Meghan could be seen as a giant leap forward for mankind in the history of interracial relationships, not only in Britain but in many places around the world.
Meghan has now moved from being an American actress to Britain to being a royal bride with a difference.
And the good part is that many people love and adore her, calling her and Harry, “a perfect couple.”
Everyone that matters, especially Harry’s dad, Prince Charles and his grand mum, her royal majesty, Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth II, understandably approved of the union.
This is not to say that the couple didn’t initially face some persecutions from some sections of the public because of Megan’s racial background.
They did, but they overcame. Thanks to Prince Harry who stood firmly behind his gorgeous lady.
When in 2017 Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their engagement, some questions arose about her previous relationships.
As it turned out, Meghan had been married before but the marriage did not work out between her and her then spouse. We now know the name of her ex husband as Trevor Engelson, a Hollywood television and film producer.
As at the time she met Prince Harry, Meghan was already officially divorced. But the ‘divorcee’ tag on Meghan did not dissuade Harry from marrying her.
In any case, Meghan’s failed marriage to Engelson is now in the past where it belongs. A new marriage chapter has now been opened between Prince Harry and her, not only as husband and wife but also as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
What is your take on the royal wedding between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?
©Copyright 2018 | Victor Uyanwanne
I just stumbled on this personal picture featured here and it brought back wonderful memories that precipitated this post.
I remember the day I snapped it exactly 3 years ago. It was at the church wedding of a very close friend.
The wedding took place at a location far away from my Lagos base. But I had to be there, irrespective of the distance.
The friend deserved the love and support I had to give, even more.
We are friends. We have been friends. We have come along way with each other and for each other as well.
There was a lot of significance to that wedding. The enduring love of the couple for instance: They loved each other against all odds. Believed in each other. Courted each other for several years. Planned being with each other for life…for better or worse.
But there were pockets of challenges here and there before the wedding – all through the courtship period – chief of which was that their families opposed the marriage.
However, in the end, the patience and the love of the couple paid off; they eventually got parental blessing for the wedding and the marriage was allowed to take place.
I was glad I was there to witness it all. I was glad that their love triumphed over all obstacles, giving all glory to God who made all things possible.
In more ways than one, I had a personal sense of fulfilment over that wedding. Mission accomplished for the couple; joy for all of us friends and family.
Even in times of doubts before the marriage, I stood with my friend and his love. Though a long tedious journey, it came to a beautiful climax: united in holy matrimony, against all odds.
I saw it coming. I prayed with them. It seemed impossible at first but it still took place in the end – happily.
When I was setting out for that wedding event, I took two days off work to enable me arrive the location ahead of time. The traditional wedding was for a Friday afternoon while the white wedding was to take place the following Saturday.
I was well prepared for the wedding. I bought a brand new pair of suit for the occasion, along side the accompanying accessories.
I was happy… I was longing to see my friend walk the aisle with his bride. A big day, it would turn out be!
On a Thursday, the day to the Friday of the traditional wedding ceremony, I arrived at the inter state bus terminal not too far from my Lagos home to begin this important journey I had looked forward to for at least three months prior.
It was midday, so I had said to my self, “In the next 5-6 hours on the road, I should be with my friend ready to cheer him on as he bade goodbye to bachelorhood.”
You know that feeling you have when someone you love is celebrating! I felt it and I felt good about it…
My close friend from way back was getting married. I had to be there in flesh and blood, with all pleasure.
Some years ago when I got married, he was with me all the way. He flew in to Abuja into my waiting arms. And then together we flew further to Sokoto where he joined me to pick my beautiful bride.
I still remember how we felt when the plane touched down at the Sadiq Abubakar III International Airport.
“So Victor you are getting married?” he had asked me. You see what I mean when I say we have come along way?
“Yes” was my heartfelt response to him. “It is my turn now, it will be yours soon,” sounding very sure of the future.
As we stepped out from the air-plane then, we were both greeted by the dry very winds of the North West and the scorching Sun of the seat of the Caliphate, with temperatures measure reaching the 40″C mark.
I had never felt so much heat before my life. But it was all well and good: I got married in Church as planned without any hitches, whatsoever!
Now it’s this friend’s own wedding, and my mind was already made up about being there. “I have to be there by all means,” I had promised myself.
And the day finally came!
There were no direct flights to the local town venue of the wedding; no airport there in the first place. So the journey had to be done by road. And I was ready to take it on, joyfully and wholeheartedly!
There was the option for me to fly to the nearest airport located at the State Capital, some kilometres away from the place, and taxi inwards to the venue. But my budget was very tight, so that idea flew away from my head as quickly as it had come.
In the end, I had to travel by road. I didn’t even see it as a sacrifice even though I had to travel several rough miles to attend the marriage ceremony. Like I said earlier, I was still happy doing it.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get there until the Friday of the traditional marriage ceremony proper. In fact I arrived in the middle of the ceremony, with friends and family already seated, appropriately dressed in colourful attires.
The event was peaceful and successful. And on the following Saturday, my friend and his bride were joined in holy matrimony to begin their life together as man and wife. I thank God, I witnessed it all.
Rewind a day backwards
As you might have observed, I arrived a day later than I had planned to. The late show up was due to a setback in transportation the day before.
That Thursday when I got to the bus park, I bought my fare ticket and sat down on the public bus waiting for the journey to begin. The waiting turned from minutes to hours, and we were still there. Not enough passengers for the bus to depart the terminal.
At the end of the day, I couldn’t continue the journey same day, else I would have to get there at very late hours. And that’s not good enough, for security reasons.
I departed from the bus park for home, forfeiting my fares – as they insisted there would be no refunds.
But I had still had to make that journey. So I shifted it to the following Friday morning. This time, I switched Inter State bus terminal.
Thankfully I didn’t have to wait for too long. So the journey began and to the glory of God, I arrived safely for the wedding, stayed with my friend as he took his bride to the altar. And together we all savoured the joy of the couple that had the enduring love that conquered all odds.
©Copyright 2018 | Victor Uyanwanne
To have and to hold unto you
Till our dreams come through.
To cling to you, inseparably tight
Whether it be morn, noon or night.
To be truly there for each other
Waxing strong together, forever.
Those were the ample dreams
That flooded my heart like streams.
But like life’s disappearing steams
They were all but faded dreams.
©Copyright 2017 | Victor Uyanwanne
If any one should ask if you love your spouse or not, I’m very sure your answer would be “yes.” Well, I would agree with you because I’m not in a good position to question that assertion.
However, saying that you love your spouse is much deeper that just saying so with your mouth. You should know that if you truly love your spouse, it will definitely show in what you do or don’t do towards him or her.
In this post, we will attempt to (re)examine whether or not you love your spouse in meaningful ways as much as you would claim. Our purpose is not to criticise you but rather to help you take an objective assessment of your position right now with a view to helping you love your spouse more in ways that truly matter – and most importantly, in ways that meet heavenly requirements.
Before we delve into unfolding the Biblical foundation for this post, I will like to refresh your memory a little with something I read in a book at the peak of my undergraduate days, several years ago; it is about the love languages.
Chapman’s 5 Love Languages
In the book, The 5 Languages of Love, Dr Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor with reported experience spanning over three decades, believes that “unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root-cause: we speak different love languages” from our spouse’s.
In other words, it is not enough to say that you are doing your best at loving your spouse. You must actively show that you love him or her in a way that he or she understands or appreciates. That is, in a way that is most meaningful to him or her.
One pertinent question therefore is, are you speaking your spouse’s primary love language? It is important you begin to do so if you have not started.
As identified by Dr Chapman, there are five love languages you should know:
1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Receiving Gifts
4) Acts of Service, and
5) Physical Touch.
The idea behind the 5 love languages is that spouses appreciate or understand love in one or a combination of two of the 5 areas as stated on the list.
It is therefore your responsibility to find out which one of these languages your spouse understands more so you can relate more with him or her on that plane. If you don’t do that, your spouse may not understand the love you are communicating to him or her, no matter how hard you think you may be trying.
Love shows in attitude
Love is the operating word here. And again, I want to assume you love your spouse. Don’t you? If yes, then we can go on…
Having said that, let us push the bar a bit higher.
When we talk about love, many people understand it in many different ways. But in the context of this post, the beautiful picture of love as painted in the book of First Corinthians shall be our standard measure.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corrinthians 13:4-8
From this passage, you can see that there are things love can do and there are ones it cannot do. Therefore, if you love your spouse, there are things you should do and there are things you should not do towards him or her.
It is these things you do or fail to do towards your spouse that prove whether or not you love your spouse. As earlier said, if you love your spouse, it will show in your attitude towards him or her.
The Bible passage quoted above is hugely about the operations of love in general, but we can be a bit more specific by applying it to spousal love. Let us therefore consider the specific components of the love-list and extend it to how you love your spouse:
Love is patient and kind. If you love your spouse, you should be patient with, and kind towards him or her.
Love does not envy or boast. If you love your spouse, you should not be discontented towards him or her, neither will you “talk with excessive pride and self-satisfaction about your achievements, possessions, or abilities.”
Love is not arrogant or rude. If you love your spouse, you should relate with him or her in humility and never take pleasure in being rude to him or her, either in your words or in your actions.
Love does not insist on its’ own way. If you love your spouse, it’s not every time you would insist on having your way with him or her. You should sometimes also allow them to have their ways too.
Love is not irritable or resentful. So you love your spouse? Then do not be easily annoyed with him or her; neither should you ever become bitter towards him or her – irrespective of how you are treated.
Love does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in truth. There may be some spouses that lie to their partners and take pleasure in cheating on them. But that should not be you, because you love your spouse.
Love bears all things, hopes all things, bears all and endures all things. If you love your spouse, then bear with his or her inadequacies, endure difficult times with each other, hope and believe for the best between you both.
Love never ends. So you love your spouse? Don’t give up on him or her!
Feel free to like, share or leave a comment on this article.
©Copyright 2017 | Victor Uyanwanne
Gentle warning: This post is extremely personal. But don’t take it personal.
In the previous post, I stated the fact that some people are single for life and satisfied. But I went on to explore the idea that I could not have been unmarried for life and be completely fulfiled.
My well-thought out humble conclusion then was that:
As for me, I see marriage as a calling I had to embrace because I could never have been totally satisfied with a lifelong celibacy.
To put things in a clearer perspective, I am using this post to advance five reasons I believe that I could not have been completely satisfied if I had remained single for life.
Like I stated in the first part of this post, this is a personal experience I decided to share with you. So do not be offended if your own experience or perspective is radically different from mine.
Marriage is part of God’s general plan for humanity. I believe strongly in it, and I always will.
I may have many ‘callings’ in life, but celibacy is not one of them. I made up my mind about that long before I eventually walked the altar to say, “I do.”
Marriage is honourable. Most people will not disagree with that! So embracing marriage means embracing an honourable institution established by God Himself.
God made it possible for me and many other countless people to be married… And except you feel called to a lifelong celibacy, I believe you should be open to marriage too. Don’t you think so?
Marriage gives a veritable opportunity for a beautiful synergy in life between two people who are divinely bound in a holy union – a kind that singlehood does not offer me.
I reckoned that I am stronger with a spouse for life than without one. The total union of two separate people to become one in marriage unleashes the power of synergy, which is in line with God’s plan and purpose.
Why would I choose to go along in life as a ‘lone ranger’ when I could legally have a great person of the opposite sex to go along with me all the way? Like I said in the previous post, I prefer my “married me” to my “single me.”
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves… Ecclesiates 4:9-12.
Marriage is my legitimate opportunity to build my own family as God intended, so why should I flunk the choice?
Apostle Paul once declared in unequivocal terms that, “It is better to get married than to remain unmarried and continually burn with passion.” That’s one of the frankest statements in God’s word as far as managing your sexual affection as a single person is concerned.
Christian values teach us that the only kind of sex approved by God is marital sex. So any act of sex engaged in outside the walls of marriage amounts to living contrary to the will of God.
I am aware that many people will not be comfortable with me saying that. But I have to say it because it is not my idea but God’s. And God knows best!
In the light of that, it means that as a single man who wanted to please God in this area, I would not engage in sex except I was legally married.
However, I definitely would not be able to live without sexual expression for the rest of my life, without disobeying God. You can talk about exercising self-control, but let us leave that lesson for another day.
Let us read what the Bible says here:
But I say to the unmarried and to the widows, [that as a practical matter] it is good if they remain [single and entirely devoted to the Lord] as I am. But if they do not have [sufficient] self-control, they should marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion .
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 AMP
Early enough in life, I learnt that both premarital and extramarital sexual experiences are not part of God’s perfect plan for His children. So I had to choose the committed marriage option to meet my sexual needs.
Any thing outside that would have led me to committing avoidable sexual sin, which has its own inescapable consequences.
Sexual sin is self-destructive. It’s like a fire. A fire in the fireplace can do you a lot of good. A fire in the living room will mess up your whole house! And that’s precisely the case with our sexuality. It is a fire to be kindled only within the fireplace of marriage. Outside of that safe enclosure, it can do all kinds of emotional and physical damage. Single And Satisfied – Tony Evans
I do not want only sexual satisfaction by getting married, I want to produce offsprings too.
Remaining unmarried for life would have meant that I would not have been a parent, except of course I became one out of wedlock. Not even in my dreams did I ever consider that an option to take!
Marriage has afforded me the great privilege of having my own legal children. And I am loving it…
I am aware some people get married and decide on their own not to have children. But that is very unusual in my part of the world. (Apologies to the couple who are trying so hard to have their own children but to no avail yet).
I believe also that it is part of God’s will for my life to have children.
Lo, children [are] an heritage of the LORD: [and] the fruit of the womb [is his] reward. As arrows [are] in the hand of a mighty man; so [are] children of the youth. Happy [is] the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalms 127:3-5.
For the most part of my single life, I always longed for the time I would get committed to one lady for life – totally and completely. To love and to cherish her for the rest of my life.
Marriage provides me with the best chance to fulfill that longing. In marriage, I have a trusted companion to love and to cherish for the rest of my life.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church… For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Ephesians 5:28-32.
If you are presently living single for life or in a committed marriage, please let me know what you think about the post.
©CopyRight 2017 | Victor Uyanwanne
Jesus Christ was single for life and satisfied with it, so was Paul the Apostle. But I know that not everyone would be single for life and be fully satisfied as well. Definitely not me!
I have also heard some other people say they are single and satisfied. But in most cases, it turns out that many of such people are only temporarily single because somehow, you will get to find out that they are only waiting for the right partner to come along.
I wouldn’t know if that applies to you or not. In any case, just follow me on this short journey…
You are presently single but you have plans to get married when you meet the right person and other conditions are right. I understand that feeling because I was once there.
That one is a temporary singlehood. However, that is not the kind of singlehood I am talking about here.
I am referring to you being single, staying single for life and without any desire for entering into a committed marriage. I would call that a permanent singlehood.
That is the situation I do not understand because I have not been there before. And I do not even want to be there because I firmly believe in the institution of marriage.
This is my sixth year being married. And with all modesty, I can gladly say that I have found more fulfillment in being married than in being single.
It is not to say that I did not have a fulfilling life as a single man. No, far from it! I had an incredibly joyful life during my singlehood.
In fact, I was so happy when I was yet an unmarried man that I once had cause to ask my myself, “Would I still be this happy when I get married?”
Notice that I did not say “…if…” but “…when..” I got married. The reason is that marriage has always been part of my plans in life. That is to say that I never had an agenda of ever living an unmarried life in my sojourn on earth.
Back to the question I asked myself when I was still a bachelor: would I be happy in marriage as I was in singlehood?
It would have been largely presumptuous for me to have that question answered in the affirmative before I got married. But now that I am married, I can categorically state that I have found my life happier and more fulfilling than when I was a single man.
Just as Apostle stated that “it is better to marry than to burn,” I could stretch that to say that it better to be married than to remain single for life.
This is just my experience I am sharing with you. I am by no means trying to generalise the issue because I am very much aware that your experience may be completely different from mine. Is that not so?
On the other hand, this is not a call for everyone to get married. Even the Bible recognises that marriage is a choice; no one should be forced into it.
I was not forced into marriage in any way. It was a journey I deliberately embarked upon by my own freewill. And I am loving it!
It would have been a huge disservice to myself had I chosen to be single for life. That’s not my calling at all, but marriage is. At the appropriate time, God led me into it, by giving me the right partner.
Of course, it is not that remaining single and being an unmarried person for life is a sin, neither is getting and staying married. But just that like every other major decision you have to make in life, there are always pros and cons to consider.
In as much I would like to recommend to you to get married (if you are not married yet) and stay married for life, it is up to you to decide for or against it. For one, I know that God’s will for most of His children is marriage. And I made my decision along that line a long time ago.
Being single has its own benefits and getting married has its own benefits too. But I prefer the later.
Now that I am married and have found fulfillment in marriage, it has become clearer to me that I could never have been single for life and be satisfied with it completely.
But like I said before, I am not suggesting that you could not choose to remain single or celibate for life and be satisfied at the same time. Good luck to you if that’s what you want.
As for me, I see marriage as a calling I had to embrace because I could never have been totally satisfied with a lifelong celibacy.
What’s your take on this?
©CopyRight 2017 | Victor Uyanwanne
Based on the posts with the highest number of likes, here are the summaries of the top 10 posts on this blog in 2016:
I want to be a happy father to my children and a happy husband to my wife. After all, a grumpy man would not make a good companion to anyone – family or not family. This is part of the reason I have realised that I should strive to always have my emotions under control…
It seems logical to think that unhappy parents may not be able to raise happy children. And I don’t want to be caught in that web.
Distinguished and best-selling Author, Rick Warren, in one of his devotional articles, stated that there are three levels of knowing God: recognition, acquaintance, and friendship.
To know someone deeply, you have to regularly talk to, or spend time with, him or her. Knowing God deeply is not different from that. Except you are willing to regularly fellowship with God, talk to Him as a friend and let Him talk to you too, you may never get to know Him at the deepest level possible.
Various situations could arise in your marital relationship that may want to force a communication gap between you and your spouse. But don’t allow for a breakdown in communication between you both. If communication fails, many other things will fail along.
Jesus was more than a baby. He is the God-incarnate. As the Saviour of the world, in Him lies the eternal hope of mankind. Here are some special things about Him that set Him apart from any other man in recorded history:
There’s one thing I have come to know.
Many friends will always come and go.
Their going away may not be caused by strife.
It is a normal phenomenon of this life…
We can always find a friend in the Lord Jesus,
Who has promised He’ll always be there for us.
Whatever we go through in this time and space,
We can get succour by looking unto His face
A problem is a problem and your spouse is your spouse. Please don’t mistake one for another.
Next time you have any marital issue, be sure to remind yourself that your spouse is not the problem. Identify what the issue is and focus on tackling it.
If you don’t want to end up in the wrong destination, you should not continue on the journey in the wrong direction. The prodigal son found his back to his father, so can you! If you are an atheist, here are 16 sobering truths I wish you to know:
For many years, I went about my life
With a broken piece of heart, bleeding.
No one could fill the great void I felt
Or mend the awfully shattered part of me…
But then I met the greatest Friend and Lover
Who truly loved me as I am, unconditionally.
The One who gave up His life for me
And gave me a brand new heart too.
Everyone needs forgiveness. On the other hand, everyone needs to offer forgiveness too. Here are 5 simple reasons you should learn to forgive others:
Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment.
©CopyRight 2017 | Victor Uyanwanne
In other words, you should accept your spouse as your Mr/Mrs Right. That way, you would be able to team up with him/her to resolve any marital challenges that may cross your path.
It goes to show that if you think you made a mistake in marrying your spouse, you will not be able to love him/her as much as you should doTweet
If you are in a committed marriage relationship and you are also committed to seeing the marriage work, then you must see the person you got married to as your Mr/Mrs Right. The constant thinking that you made the wrong choice in picking your marriage partner, will hinder you from seeing many good things in your partner and in the marriage as well.
Eventually, if not properly handled, this may lead to unpalatable marriage experience such as divorce.
Here are five possible dire consequences of not accepting your spouse as your Mr/Mrs Right:
There is no hope of marital success for any couple without much commitment to their union. If you are not convinced that your spouse is the right partner you will not be able to make the necessary commitment that will make the marriage work.
Commitment is a vital key required to make your marriage work. Without it, nothing worth the while will be achieved in the relationship. Without it, there is no future for the marriage.
Mutual love and understanding are important keys to marital survival! A marriage that is not founded on, and sustained by, love, will make the spouses miserable.
Needless to say, spouses should love each other. Accepting your spouse as the Mr/Mrs Right for you will make it easier for you to love him/her.
I am yet to see anyone who completely loves his/her mistakes. It goes to show that if you think you made a mistake in marrying your spouse, you will not be able to love him/her as much as you should do. And without love, marriage will be less enjoyable.
Once you are totally convinced that you made the wrong choice in selecting your marriage partner, what would stop you from making him/her the scapegoat for whatever problems that crop up in your marriage? Nothing!
Remember we earlier advised that you should not blame your spouse when marital challenges surface between you both. You won’t be able to keep that humble piece of advice if you think you made a mistake in marrying him/her in the first place.
Marriage should bring you some level of happiness and fulfilment in life. But it will take cooperation from you as well as from your spouse to make that happen.
Remember the popular saying, “marriage should be enjoyed, not endured?” You will not be able to enjoy or feel happy about your marriage if you see your spouse as the wrong partner.
The likelihood of divorce is higher in marriages where the spouses think they got married to the wrong persons as opposed to marriages with spouses who are convinced they chose the right partners.
If you are not committed to your marriage enough, you don’t love your spouse as much as you should, you blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong and you are miserable in the union, how would you be able to escape the temptation to walk out of the marriage?
The point is, if you have not convinced yourself that you have not made any mistake in marrying your spouse, you may end up divorcing him/her.
If you have not already done so, it is important you recognise your spouse as your Mr/Mrs Right. Failure to do so may hinder you from having a beautiful marriage experience.
You have read my thoughts. Please share yours in the comment section.
Still ahead: Towards A Better Marriage 5: Give Your Best To Make The Marriage Work.
©CopyRight 2016 | Victor Uyanwanne
Good communication is a vital part of building and sustaining a healthy marital relationship. A breakdown in communication between you and your spouse could result in a complete breakdown of the entire relationship.
As much as possible, you should endeavor to maintain a good communication flow with your better half. That means you have to promptly take care of anything trying to impede appropriate communications with your spouse.
Failure to do so may later lead to sad moments or other unpleasant consequences which you would not like.
That was the kind of unpleasant situation I recently found myself in. I had this general feeling of discontentment come over me as a result of some unexpected negative outcomes in some of the affairs of my life.
I would admit that I didn’t manage the feeling of dissatisfaction as best as I could I have done. As a result, my wife was feeling hurt in a way that I did not realise until she graciously brought it to my attention.
As I got into discussing the ‘issues’ with her, some things about communication in marriage became clearer to me in a way they had never been before. I gave a vivid description of what happened in the post, “Is your feeling of unhappiness hurting your attractive spouse?”
Did I learn anything good from the experience? Sure, I did! And that’s why I am writing this post.
Here are 4 super lessons I learnt from the brief moment of reflection over the said experience:
1. In a thorny situation, your spouse is not the thorn
Just like in any other relationships, you may sometimes have to encounter thorny issues in your marriage. But it doesn’t mean your spouse is the thorn personified.
This seems obvious but it has to be said that your spouse is not a problem to you; neither are you a problem to him/her.
You are partners in progress; helpers of each other’s destinies. Any thought that deviates from this is a distorted view that should not be allowed to fester.
2. If your spouse wears an unusual outlook, you as the other half should show persistent care (by asking) to find out what the problem is.
Let’s face it: as much as you or your spouse would want to maintain a smiling face all the time, this may not always be possible. Therefore, if you see your spouse put on an ‘unusual’ look, it is not safe for you to assume that all is well or that he/she knows what he/she is doing at that point in time.
What you should do is to seek in love to know what’s up with him/her. That way you would be able to save the situation from further deterioration.
As a good spouse that you are, you should not be happy that your partner is unhappy. Giving a listening ear or having a discussion in love with your seemingly unhappy partner can often bring a soothing relief to his/her frayed nerves.
3. If your spouse slows down in communicating with you, that’s not the time for you to withdraw from him/her.
Various situations could arise in your marital relationship that may want to force a communication gap between you and your spouse. But don’t allow for a breakdown in communication between you both.
If communication fails, many other things may fail along. But this can be prevented if properly handled.
Many of the frustrations you may have experienced with your spouse may have resulted from inadequate or negative communication. Inadequate communications give room for suspicion or threat, which may in turn, give rise to a feeling of insecurity in the aggrieved partner.
On the other hand, negative communications breed resentment. And resentment blocks healthy fellowship.
Also, learn not to apply the silent treatment. It does not make things work out well in the long run.
4. Be strong for your spouse by whispering to him/her that you are there for him/her
Your spouse needs you to stand strong for him/her in the moments of weakness. Two good people, they say, are better than one. That’s why you are a couple in the first place.
You are better together. If one person falls, the other should be there to help him/her rise. If your spouse shows signs of emotional weakness, you should be a source of strength to him/her.
When your spouse goes negative, be strong for him/her by staying positive until the murky atmosphere clears. This way, you will prevent a bad situation from going worse.
Healthy communication is a very important way of sustaining a healthy marriage. You should talk with your spouse when there is something to talk about and even when there is nothing to talk about. Never apply the silent treatment because it will always backfire.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment.
©CopyRight | Victor Uyanwanne
Last March was my fifth wedding anniversary. As I continue to celebrate the privilege of being married to one of God’s special princesses, it is my pleasure to let you in on how, or better still where, I met her.
You can consider it my birthday offering to you on this special day of mine. Today is my birthday. Ooops, I guess I had to let you in on that!
I have always known that I would one day write about how I met my wife. But I didn’t know that that day would come so soon.
Something happened that made it come sooner than I had thought. During an online search recently, I stumbled on a comment I had made in the past on a Nigerian online forum.
The comment was my response to the topic of the post which was simply a question entitled, ‘Where did you meet your spouse?’ To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised to read the response again.
Here we go:
I met her in church. We became friends. Just friends, serving God faithfully in [the] youth ministry [of our church].
Later, my heart began to skip a bit for her. The mere thought of her brought smiles to my heart.
At first, I felt concerned that I was taking the friendship [further] more than I had thought.
“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself.
I prayed about it. I got the assurance that all was well. I told her I loved her and would want to marry her. [It] turned out she was convinced about me too.
Two years later, she became my wife and has been so [five] years now. We have been happy ever after. I thank God for everything.
Although it was an impromptu response I made back then, reading it again now made me feel that I gave an appreciably good summary of where and how I met my wife. This it was that precipitated this post.
So allow me to delve a little more into the full story.
We met in church
I have heard stories of people meeting their spouses in all kinds of places. Even though my mind was open as to where I could meet my would-be-wife, I would consider it a blessing that I met her in Church.
There was this joke back then that if you are looking for a decent girl for a wife then look for her in the church. Whether that’s necessarily true or not, I leave that to you to decide.
Then, I wasn’t particularly sure about where I could meet my would-be-spouse. But I was very sure about who she should be.
I was convinced she would be someone who had made a strong commitment to God, through a personal relationship with Jesus as Lord and Saviour. Someone who was committed to living her life on Earth to the glory of God and for the benefit of mankind, with eternity in view.
Of course, there were other things I considered, but the above mentioned were not negotiable. It is possible to find such a blessed lady in any possible place around the world. But as God would have it, my church in Lagos was my lucky place.
Our Friendship was healthy
We were individually actively involved in the Lord’s service. I was the Bible Study coordinator of our Church’s Youth Fellowship and later the Vice President of the group. On her part, she was an active voice in the Youth choir as well as in the main Church choir.
Our friendship developed gradually and blossomed into a very close one. It flourished on a platonic level or what we could describe in Nigerian parlance as just “a brother and a sister in Christ” relationship. Nothing more until love began to set in….
We moved from friendship to love.
Oh the innocent ‘boy’ has fallen in love. You know that feeling of fallen in love? I felt it strongly then. But I was a bit concerned.
“Why would I want to bring ‘love’ into our heavenly friendship and ruin everything?” I had asked myself.
We had mutual respect and trust for each other. We knew the boundaries we set for ourselves. Besides, I never thought I would marry a friend.
But instead of the awesome feeling of love going away, it became strengthened in my heart and louder in my ears. I was glowing! But I was careful not to let her know how I was feeling yet.
“I must do something about it,” I challenged myself.
I cross-checked everything with my Father in Heaven. I believe in prayer; it helps me clarify my thoughts.
“Oh God my Father, do you have a hand in this strong splurge of love I feel in my heart for Your daughter, Jenny?’ I had asked God in prayer.
‘Yes’ was the answer I received in my heart from the still small voice. Once, I knew God was involved, my worries ceased; peace and divine assurance filled my heart.
“One more thing Lord, she is your daughter too.” I pointed out to God – as if He didn’t already know. “Please speak to her about ‘us’. Prepare her heart for this eternal love you have told me I am going to share with her.”
The feeling was mutual.
Not long afterwards, it became clear to me that my prayers had been answered. God had put my love in her heart just as He had put her love in mine. We were ‘flowing’ with each other.
We each knew where God was pointing us to, and we were ready to go with Him all the way to the marriage altar.
I waited till I perceived the time was right to pop the question.
‘Will you marry me?’ I asked her after 9 months down the line.
‘Yes, I will’ was the heavenly response I got from her.
Thus, our courtship officially began. I am grateful, she didn’t make me wait any longer before giving me her consent.
“Give me some more time” some other lady may have said to me. But not my sweet Love, she was prepared for me as I was ready for her.
Marriage altar here we come.
Two years afterwards, we both stood before God’s holy altar and echoed “I do, I do” to each other, as we were pronounced husband and wife.
It’s been five years since then. And we are still counting …
I met my wife in Church. I have no doubts that God arranged it that way. That’s my story.
Would you share a little about how you met your spouse?
©CopyRight | Victor Uyanwanne
THINK MORE ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE THAN YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF
By Victor Uyanwanne
On my fourth wedding anniversary recently, while doing an online search on WordPress, I was fortunate to stumble on a Seth Adam Smith’s article, “Marriage Isn’t For You.”
On the surface, the title of the article appeared to me to be somewhat discouraging marriage. And to be honest, at first I found that very unacceptable because I have always looked forward to being married; I got married and established my belief that marriage is for me. So you can imagine how infuriated I felt when I first saw the audacious title, “Marriage Isn’t For You.”
“How could he say that?” I queried into an empty air. Anyway, out of sheer curiosity, I proceeded to read the article. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that there was more to the article than its title seemed to portray. I came to realise that the article didn’t say one should not get married, neither did it say that one made a mistake by getting married. But it succinctly embodied the principle, amongst others, that married people should think of their spouses and their needs more than they think of themselves.
Furthermore, I came to realise that I totally agree with Seth on the ideas he pushed forward in the article. “You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy…,” he opined. Even though he credited his father with it, the wisdom he expressed in the statement appeared simple in nature, yet very profound: “… Love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.”
I believe the assertion is in line with what Apostle Paul told the Philippians several centuries ago: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” (Phil. 2:3, NIV). For our purpose here, we can paraphrase this to say, “Spouse, don’t be selfish towards your partner. Be humble; ascribe more value to your spouse than you ascribe to yourself”.
Therefore, in saying “marriage isn’t for you”, I came to the understanding that Seth meant that “Marriage is about the person you married,” not necessarily about you.
In Seth’s own words:
.… A true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?””
“And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered” (Emphasis mine).
In the final analysis, it became more obvious that in marriage relationships:
• We should think more about our spouses than we expect them to think about us.
• We should give to our spouses more than we expect them to give us.
• We should love our spouses more than we expect them to love us.
• We should give more honour to our spouses than we expect them to give to us.
• We should forgive and tolerate the bahaviour of our spouses more than we expect them to do for us;
• If we don’t like it when our spouses annoy us, why do we not care a hoot when we annoy them?
I am convinced that if we sow happiness in our spouses, the fruit will show up in our own lives.
http://sethadamsmith.com/literal-odyssey/marriage-isnt-for-you/ accessed on 26/03/2015
http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/ accessed on 26/03/2015
GOD’S ANSWER TO MAN’S INCAPACITY
By Victor Uyanwanne
The challenges of life are far too many for a man to handle all alone. That is why God gave a woman (a wife) to the first man He created, to be of help to him. Therefore marriage is God’s answer to man’s incapacity to meet the demands of life alone without help.
To those who are married, please protect the sanctity of your marriages. To the yet to be married, please seek to be married and trust God to give you spouse from above.